Chamber of My Self
The cold walls of the spacecraft Seishin rumbled. Luke shivered at the sound; he didn’t feel it. The walls perspired, and fog enveloped the steel floor. Some seeped through the steel grates entering other parts of the ship.
Lights blinked on and off in a rhythmic manner, dancing throughout the haul. Soft sounds of bleeps and blinks drifted in the shadows.
The Seishin had been drifting for years now. They were still on course, with the crew sleeping in stasis jelly. Luke was left awake to monitor and regulate the vitals of the crew and the ship. He was made for it—an observer. A genetically altered test-tube baby made without emotion, fatigue, and always in control. An IQ of 300. A mind that can multitask in a blink of an eye without error. The perfect human.
Luke swirled back and forth between the monitors before him. Each screen giving different information. One had vitals of the crew, one of the ship, and one surveying space for incoming debris. The last monitor was blaring a code yellow. An incoming wave of energy was heading their way.
Luke started typing and flicking switches. Like a well-oiled machine, the ship followed its orders, opened its blast shields, and increased speed. Doors started locking down, and the cockpit’s exclusive espresso maker was sealed shut. The wave of cosmic energy smashed into the ship. It rattled and shook and made a banging sound. Luke didn’t move; he is perfection incarnated. He already strapped himself down to his chair before the wave even hit.
The ship rattled on for a long time, but then it slowly mellowed out. Luke unhooked himself and swiveled back to the crew and ship monitor. Everything seemed fine. Some vitals had increased a little but nothing to worry about. They would return to normal. The ship’s blast shields had done their job. There wasn’t any damage to the vessel. Luke flicked the switches back and unlocked the doors.
The espresso maker was released from its prison. He stood and walked over to the machine. It was the captain’s favorite.
Then he heard a clatter.
Luke turned around and surveyed the area. There was no one.
He returned to the machine and turned it on. Might as well have a drink, he thought. After waiting a couple of minutes, Luke returned to his station with his espresso. He sat back and flicked another switch. At the front of the ship, shutters slid up slowly. Luke turned to face it. The shutters revealed the endless ocean of black. Stars glistened in the far depths, and small waves of cosmic energy gently brushed against the ship. Luke was at peace. He felt adrift in the endless waves of energy. It’s like he was being doused in baby oil.
Then he heard footsteps. Immediately he turned around and scanned the room for the sound. There shouldn’t be anyone awake; he was the only observer aboard. They only needed one.
Luke rose from his chair and started to make his way around the cabin. The sound wasn’t outside in the hallways and chambers. He checked by the pilot seat, by the captain’s chair, and by the instruments that could connect you back to earth in a blink of an eye.
“Shhhhhhhh,” said a voice behind him. Luke turned around to see a large man placing his index finger by his lips. “You’ll scare away the fish.”
“Who are you,” said Luke. The large man smiled and leaned back.
He didn’t look like the crew, who were always lean and pale. This man was full of color, and his clothes were different.
He wore a tan shirt and a green vest with fish bait hanging from the pockets. The most interesting things were his pants and shoes. He wore shorts, which were olive green, and dark brown boots. This was a man not ready for space travel.
“My name is Kar. Come take a seat, my boy,” Kar said. His voice was deep and booming. Luke strategically secured a route back to his desk. He made sure he was at least twenty meters away from Kar until he reached his chair.
Kar chuckled.
“I don’t bite,” he said.
“How did you get in here,” Luke said, sitting down.
“Does it matter?”
“Yes.”
“What’s your name?”
“How did you get in here?”
“You tell me your name, and I’ll tell you how I got here,” said the Kar. Luke scanned him from top and to bottom. He was a lot larger up close; his body was as thick as a tree.
“My name is Luke.”
“Nice to meet you, Luke.”
“Are you a stowaway,” said Luke typing into his computer, searching for breaches in the ship.
“Nope.”
“Then how?”
“Interesting, aren’t you frustrated?”
Luke looked up.
“No, I’ve been made without the ability to get frustrated.”
“Well, that’s not fair. What do you do with all that pent-up emotion?”
“I don’t have emotions,” said Luke continuing his search.
“That can’t be.”
“It is.”
Kar walked over to the front of the ship and pulled up a seat. Luke turned around to face him. There was some distance between them. Kar had something on his mind; his face had twisted and turned. The beeps and clicks of the ship started to nag Luke. He was bothered by it. Everything begins with a seed.
“Then are you human,” asked Kar.
Luke didn’t answer for a moment. He’d been trained to deal with arguments like this. Not too long ago, his captain had made the same case. You can’t be human without feelings. Rage, pain, and sadness are essential. Luke said it was a flaw in the brain.
“So what’s wrong with being flawed,” said Kar smiling now.
“I will not get into this argument.”
“Then I guess you’re not as smart as you think,” said Kar chuckling now.
“That is only your opinion. I’ve been made with complete perfection. No human can match my intelligence. I’ve never lost an argument.”
“You just lost this one.”
“Sir, I think it’s time for you to leave.”
Kar swirled in his chair and stared at Luke.
“Luke, you’re more stubborn than my dog, Daisy. You didn’t just lose once, my boy. You’ve lost twice.”
Luke sat back. He hadn’t noticed that he was leaning forward. Then his face started to ache. It was an unusual pain. In fact, it was his first time feeling pain. It hurt. He reached for his face, and to his surprise, it was twisted and turned just like Kar’s was when he was thinking.
Luke massaged and pressed down into his face. It was something new. He swirled back to his desk and looked around for something reflective. The table shuffled and clanked as Luke searched. After not finding anything, he sat back and scanned the mess. Then he had an idea. He grabbed his espresso and peered inside. He couldn’t get a good look, but he could see himself.
“You broke me. You broke me,” said Luke turning around and tossing his drink at Kar.
Kar jumped up in pain. His voice echoing throughout the ship as he danced from the hot liquid. In a flash, Kar had ripped off his shirt and vest.
“Now you’ve lost again,” said Kar.
“What did you do?”
“I did nothing.”
“You did; this is different. It’s wrong.”
Kar rubbed his hairy chest and glanced at Luke. He was trying to hold back his tears. Luke was struggling to remain calm, but with every new face he made, the pain got worse and worse. With each thought of him being disposed of, crumpling his walls. Perfection cannot be flawed. Then tears started to flow.
“What’s wrong,” said Kar picking up his shirt and walking over towards the desk.
“I don’t know anymore. Everything was perfect before.”
“They’re not going to throw you away.”
“You don’t know that.”
“And you do?”
“I,” said Luke. He paused. How did he know they were going to get rid of him? In a hundred years, not a single observer has ever been disposed of. They were perfect, and if one of them had a flaw, they got sent back to the factory and retuned, but that was rare.
“I was six,” said Luke. “I was at the factory. I was top of my class. Then one day Frank came up to me.”
“Who’s Frank,” said Kar sitting on the floor.
“Another observer, he had beaten me on a test. It wasn’t ranked or anything, and they were careful not to put any pressure on us to keep things balanced. But it got to me; he was the weakest in the batch, and yet he somehow managed to surpass all of us. It infuriated me, so when we were placed on the cliffside out back (to control our torelance levels). I made sure I was right beside Frank.”
“It’s a long drop from the top,” said Kar leaning back on his hands.
“When they brought me in front of our father, I started to weep. I was afraid they were going to do the same thing I did to Frank, to me. Our caretaker beat me. When my father stopped her and sent her away, he laid me down in his bed and asked me why I did it.”
Luke leaned back in his chair and stared into the great unknown. It had a purple hue to it, and the shine of a star in the far distance soothed the view. The tears burned as they trickled down his face.
“You lost again.”
“What do you mean?”
“In five minutes, you showed me pain, rage, and sadness. Those are emotions. You’re supposed to be born without. The superior race, but let’s get real, all your father did was poke around the genetic code to remove these feelings. You can’t remove the beauty from nature, and nature ain’t going to let you remove its beauty.”
“No, I need to go back and get tuned.”
“What did you tell your father?”
“I told him that he deserved it. Then I fell asleep.”
“Now you’re fishing, and when you’re fishing, you have a lot of time to think.”
“No, I don’t need those thoughts,” said Luke glancing down at Kar to find no one there. He looked up and then to the sides. Kar was gone, and he was alone again. It felt colder than before.
Luke got up from his chair, walked back to the espresso maker, and made himself another cup. He took a sip. It was hot, but he was still cold. He made his way back to his chair and stared back out to the unknown. It was better when he had someone to share it with.
“That’s fantastic, but could you tell me how long you were going to mope around,” said another voice from behind him. Luke swirled around to see a middle-aged woman wearing a black suit with a grey blouse and bag. On her right breast was a red badge. Her hair was pinned up in a bun with needles sticking out, holding it together. It looked tight.
“And you are?”
“Hiro, and you’re wasting my time.”
Luke placed down his espresso and sat up.
“Could you move faster please, I don’t have a lot of time this morning,” said Hiro.
“Is it morning?”
“Of course it is.”
He looked around. “Hadn’t noticed. How may I help you?”
“I’m looking for a place to stay. I’ve been traveling to and fro from Hong Kong to London and then New York. I haven’t slept in a week.”
“Well, you can’t-”
Sweet Victory by David Eisley and Bob Kulick interrupted him. Hiro grabbed her phone from her bag and answered it. She started in Mandarin and then shifted over to French and then back to Mandarin and then to Russian. Luke began to wonder if she was another observer he didn’t know about. He pulled up the roster, and just like he thought, he was the only observer on the list. Then why is she here?
“Could you hold for a moment,” she said to her phone.
Luke looked up. “Like I was saying-”
“Could you grab me a chair? I haven’t sat down in a long time, and I don’t want those chairs,” said Hiro pointing to the chairs around the room, “ Something better, please.
Annoyed, Luke stood up and headed out of the room.
He walked down the dim-lit hallway. It was quiet again. Luke hadn’t noticed how large the halls were. As he passed room after room until he reached the cafeteria. He wondered if he ever actually entered them. How many rooms had he opened since coming aboard? He always watched through the screens from his desk. In fact, he was in stasis when he boarded.
Observers don’t sleep. Just observe, even in stasis.
“That’s interesting and all, but where is my chair?” Luke jumped and turned around to see Hiro behind him. She wasn’t on her phone. “I got tired of waiting. Where’s my chair?”
“In the cafeteria.”
“Lead the way.”
Together they traversed the rest of the hallway and entered the dull white cafeteria. Hiro immediately found a seat and then got up. She did this a couple of times until she found the perfect one in the middle of the room. Once she sat down and placed her things on the table, she let out a huge sigh. Luke walked up and took a seat next to her. He looked over to the machine in the middle and saw all the food labels on the screen. Pills that had names like Christmas dinner and Thanksgiving dinner. Pills.
“Doesn’t that look appetizing,” said Hiro.
“No, it doesn’t.”
“Now you got thoughts of your own now?”
“Did Kar send you,” Luke said, looking at her.
“Who’s Kar?”
“I guess not.”
“I’ve meant to ask you, but you looked so busy,” Hiro said, stretching out her legs.
Busy, Luke thought.
“You look tired.”
Luke squinted his eyes at Hiro. Tired, that means fatigue, he thought. “I never get tired; I’m unable to get tired.”
“Yeah, but your face says otherwise. How long you’ve been up,” asked Hiro.
“A couple of hours.”
“They teach you how to lie at the factory?”
“For certain situations, yes. It’s not really lying, just retaining certain information.”
Hiro nudged him.
“Nine thousand four hundred and ninety.”
“Minutes?”
“Days without sleep.
Hiro leaned back and relaxed. She didn’t look as old as she did when he first met her. He could really see the fatigue in her. Luke reached for his face. He wondered if he had the same look as well.
“You know. I’m a really busy person. At the end of a long project, it feels heavenly to just fall asleep,” Hiro said, resting her head on the table.
“It’s time-consuming.”
“One needs to rest before moving on towards the future.”
Luke stared and then looked around the room. Hiro’s words lingered in him. It was different from what they taught him at the factory. If you had time to complain, then you had time to work, Luke remembered. It was all work and no time to rest. Efficiency was key. If you needed time to recuperate, you could always jump into a stasis bath, but to succumb to the darkness and let everything go was taboo.
Luke closed his eyes. He’d seen many others do the same, yet nothing happen. Then he heard a crash from the cockpit. Like someone had dropped something expensive. He jolted up from his chair. Hiro was gone. He made his way to the cockpit and found the espresso maker on the floor. A lanky man in crinkled clothes and messy hair stood above it.
“It’s not what it looks like,” said the man.
“You didn’t throw it on the floor?”
“I’m very clumsy. It looked crooked. I poured myself a cup and when then tried to move it with the cup in my hand and then everything just went plop.”
Luke made his way to the man and picked up the machine. He placed it back into its nest with ease. He checked to see if it was broken and decided it was fine. Just some dents and scratches. He walked over to a wall and tapped on it twice. It opened up, and a small machine strolled out and cleaned up the coffee on the floor.
“Stein,” said the man.
“Your name is Stein,” said Luke walking over to his desk and taking a seat.
“Are you going to ask how I got here?”
“Nope, because I don’t think you even know. Does it matter?”
“No, it doesn’t,” said Stein walking over to Luke.
Stein didn’t look clean. He had a coffee stain on his shirt and was wearing plaid pants. His socks didn’t match, and aside from his hair, he looked at peace. As he made his way over to Luke, he had tripped and fallen into one of the chairs at the front of the ship. Luke was impressed.
“Perfect,” said Stein.
“What can I do for you, Stein?”
“Absolutely nothing.”
“What?”
“I mean, from my standpoint, it looks like you already did enough.”
“Like what?”
“You helped out my buddy Kar and found a place for Hiro to rest.”
“You all know each other. That makes sense,” Luke said.
“You know us too, probably better than anyone. Luke, what do I look like to you?”
“Human.”
“Let me ask you a better question. Why did you toss Frank off the cliff?”
“Because he deserved it.”
“I am not an idiot.”
“What do you want from me?”
“I just want you to have some clarity.”
Luke sat back in the chair and relaxed. He could use some clarity. Who were these people that showed up? Was there a reason for their visit, and why did Stein want to know why he threw Frank off the cliff?
Why did he throw Frank off the cliff, Luke thought. “He deserved it. He should have stayed in his place. How dare he try to prove to everyone that he was something he is not. There was no need for him to take control of his life.”
“Control must mean a lot to you,” said Stein spinning round in his chair.
“It is essential for an observer to be in control.”
“It is essential for humans to lose control.”
“Like you?”
“Yeah. I just go with the punches. Come, try to stop me from spinning,” Stein said, speeding up in his chair. Luke walked over. The chair was spinning faster now, a breeze started to form. Luke watched and then, with perfect timing, grabbed the arms of the chair. He flew into the control panel, but the chair stopped.
Stein was smiling.
“Your turn,” he said as he got out of the chair. Luke took a seat, and the chair started to spin. “You’ve lived your whole life with both hands on the steering wheel, struggling to keep straight.” The chair spun faster. “The headaches and stress you received made you get how many tune-ups.” Luke didn’t say. “You don’t have to tell me, but I’m sure it’s world breaking.” The chair spun even faster now. Everything started to look like a blur, mixing together. Luke tried to stop the chair but couldn’t. “Yet if you just had gone with the flow,” the chair started to slow down, “ and take your time and pull just gently, you would’ve been able” the chair slowed to a stop. Luke was amazed. “To stop.”
He started to cry again, but he didn’t have any pain on his face. Stein knelt down in front of him.
“I lost control,” said Luke, tears just streaming down. “Frank made me lose control, everything was different. So he had to go.”
Stein rested his hands on Luke’s leg, and then he felt two more hands on his shoulders. He looked up to see Kar and Hiro there with him.
“The best thing to happen to me was when I lost my watch,” Stein said.
“What?”
“I mean it, it’s that important. Just take your time and go with the flow.”
“Take time to rest. You’ll need it,” said Hiro coming around to stand next to Stein.
“And embrace your feelings. They are important to you,” said Kar, also coming around. Stein stood up.
“And remember — ” he said.
“You’re human,” said all three as they drifted away into dust. Luke alone looked around and rested his eyes on his desk with the three monitors doing three things at once. With a sigh, he turned around to face the front of the ship and, looking out into the rainbow-colored space, closed his eyes. He needed a break, and I’m sure a nap wouldn’t hurt.
Definition
- Seishin (せいしん) is Japanese for Spirit.
