Don’t Leave Me Hanging On The Last Ring
The phone on the cement wall started to ring. It was the old style of ringing, the ones that secretaries of cheap motels would have with that old clean ring that reverberated in the ear. Finally, after seven rings, a black hand reached out and picked it up.
“Hello,” said Kay Mackenzie on the other side of the phone. She sounded like she was in her mid-thirties, a young voice with a sense of tiredness that had built up over time in the back of her throat.
“Kay Mackenzie,” said Roy Benderson. He sounded even more tired than Mackenzie. Like everything in the world had pushed down on him, straining his voice into almost a soft whisper.
“Roy? Is that you? I can barely hear you. I was worried I might have dialed the wrong number. Why did you wait so long to pick up?” Roy took a moment, easing himself into the right mood for the conversation. “Roy?”
“I’m here, Kay. “
“About the rings?”
“You know me, just old habits. I don’t pick up unless seven rings.”
“I think it was from when we were in college, right?”
“Yup, when I was just getting busted with spam calls. I thought it would be funny if everyone had to deal with calls. Not so funny now, I guess,” Roy chuckled to himself before it died into awkward silence. “Whatchu need?”
“Nothing. I just wanted to know how you were doing?”
“I’m fine.”
“Great.”
“How are things with you? Heard you got kids.”
“Oh yeah. She’s only a couple weeks old, but Jean Mackenzie is doing great. I feel like a big burden has been lifted off of me, you know. Physically.”
“Sounds like you’re going into a new adventure.”
“I guess. You should get some of your own. I’m pretty sure that fantastic lady of yours – .”
“She’s gone, Kay. Been gone,” said Roy.
“Oh, I didn’t –,”
“Even if she was around. I wouldn’t get kids. Not now, at least.”
“Y-you never know. I used to say I would never get kids, and now I got one of my own,” said Kay trying to move past her mistake.
“I don’t think you understand. I am making sure I don’t get kids at this moment. That’s a choice, Kay. I’m not financially ready for that kind of adventure.”
“It’s not about money, you know.”
“But it is,” said Roy. “A child is an investment made from two people. An investment that I will have to continue paying for until eighteen or until they graduate college. I’m paying for new clothes, toys, phones, Ipads, school trips, sports trips, allowances –,”
“I’m not giving my little girl an allowance. I know where that leads.”
“Leads to boys and girls doing naughty shit behind Wendys, but that is just one aspect of having a child. I have to live through the drama of my childhood through this child as they fight, obey and comprise with me. Just like how I did with my father and mother. Kay, you’re gonna have to struggle with little Jean disobeying you, telling you for years to your face that you will never understand her. It’s an adventure filled with stress and pain.”
“It’s not all of that.”
“No. I guess not. There’s joy when they accomplish their goals or when you sit back and watch in awe as your recall that years ago, they were a part of you. That you and whoever your partner is, made that. Maybe you’ll be happy when they draw you one of those tacky thanksgiving hand turkeys that you’ll pin to your fridge for a couple days before it winds up mysteriously in the trash. Taken out before the child could see. There’s a lesson in that somewhere. How everything we do just ends up being nothing in the grand scheme of things, and the memories are where the power is really at.” Roy glanced up at the buzzing fluorescent lights hanging above. It shone down on his dark skin and into the dips under his eyes. Then on his eyelids, almost like a blanket.
“Why can’t you just be happy for me? Be happy in this one moment, for my child. You need to live in the present and forget all that negative garbage,” said Kay. There was a cheery tune to her voice, masking her frustration. “I don’t need to worry about all that until it comes.”
“You want to put blinders on me. You want me to tell you, congratulations. I’m happy for you. Right?”
“I don’t want you to say anything you don’t really mean. I don’t want to put blinders on you.”
“But you’re free to put blinders on yourself. Ignore the inevitable, the negative, the real that comes in life. I can’t live like that, Kay. N-not…not anymore, and neither should you.”
“What’s wrong with being here and now? What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing is wrong with being present, but you’re asking me to be oblivious. It’s like loving someone for the way they look while ignoring their abusive nature.”
“Was Gwen abusive?”
“No. This ain’t about Gwen. This is about you. This is a new adventure for you Kay. I’m happy for you, but you can’t go into hiding – “
“I’m not hiding.”
“Pretending that everything is going to be okay. This is a big step in your life, may it be by accident or hell, by choice. You have a child now, and everything you do will revolve around them. You’ll lose friends.”
“I haven’t lost any friends. Aren’t we still friends?” Asked Kay. Roy hung his head, gently shaking it.
“Yeah…we’re still friends. But friends…they fall off. Just like how I fell off. The only reason you’re calling me is because you just thought of me maybe a day ago or week or maybe a month when my name popped in a conversation.”
“Come on.”
“That’s life. Friends disappear, lovers stop loving, and families die off. You make new friends in new neighborhoods, and all the friends of your past become names that come in conversation with your new friends. And those names soon drift away into memories of times before, and the memories become hazy with faces blurred from age. Then they are forgotten, and you struggle to remember with people that don’t remember at all.”
“Are you upset that I haven’t called you in while?”
“Yes. I’m upset that you haven’t called in a while. But I also understand that…that’s okay. That you have a life to live, and I’m not always going to be in every single moment of it.”
“Oh, come on. I’ll totally call you often. I’m a changed woman.”
“Will Cj be okay with that?” Asked Roy.
“Of course. What was that…he says hi Roy.”
“Tell him hi back.”
“He says hi…See, it isn’t so bad being in the moment,” said Kay.
“You can be in the moment and still accept reality.”
“All I want to say was that I have a cute little girl. I didn’t want to talk about the philosophical nuances of life.”
“We don’t always get what we want, Kay.”
“I never asked. Where are you right now? You sound like you’re in a subway with all the echoing.”
“I’m…,” said Roy. Everything around him felt slow. His eyes blinked slowly as he glanced over to the man in a white and black uniform. Their name etched into their shirt with black thread. The man stood with his hand clasped before him. “Right, I’m in prison.”
“Wow, very philosophical of you. If you didn’t want to tell me, you didn’t have to.”
“Right.”
“You know, since you want to be on this topic of life. What’s wrong with living a life like this. Being in the present and just enjoying my little girl.”
“Nothing. My opinion is that you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment. Why make life harder for you when it’s already hard enough? That’s not to say dreams should be thrown to the side for realistic views or that everyone should get a normal job, get some cash, a house, a wife or partner, get a child, and pay for their schooling. There is nothing wrong with barbecuing every day after your nine to five. Or catching the newest episodes on Netflix. It’s all about the adventure you take yourself on. The good, the bad, and the mundane. Whatever makes you happy, but this, this is just my opinion. It can put you in a mood where you give up on learning about yourself. You give up on wondering why you’re here. You give up on life because you find that you just repeat the same actions as your father or mother had done before you. And you tell yourself, no, I’m different. I’m doing things differently. They didn’t have Netflix growing up. They didn’t have video games back then. The way I garden now is way more efficient than they ever had before. The things I collect, they could never imagine. But it’s all different shit on new days. I personally think the days you spend should be ones where you live like it’s the last time you see a friend. Where you hug, say what you mean, play, and kiss like it’s the last time you see someone. Everything in moderation. Living like that can have its downsides. Balance it with living for tomorrow and today.”
“I find it more pleasing to be here in the moment with them. Whatever happens next happens. But that moment that we spent together, I think that is what life’s all about. People say it’s about the journey. I agree, but I think it’s about the moments in that journey, the things we share together in those fantastic journeys. The bad ones can screw off for all I care about. I’ve had my share. But, don’t you know it’s the bad ones you remember,” said Kay.
“Because it’s the bad ones that make you grow the most. There is nothing wrong with living in the moment. We look for answers in life when there is no one to give us correct answers. Everyone is struggling to get through it just as much as you are. People have suggestions, and sometimes they’re correct, while others, it’s just not worth putting a dime to. So tell me Kay, why did you and Cj get a kid? Is it because everyone else was doing it? Or because you wanted to?”
“I know where you’re going with this. I thought about it, but no, we wanted to have a kid. We felt like it was time. Maybe back in my twenties when everyone and their sister was having a kid. I might have felt pressure, but I don’t let society get me like that.”
“Oh yeah. Did you know I was an adult video director for a couple years?” Asked Roy.
“Oh…that’s, I didn’t know that.”
“See. Right there. You just judged me by societal standards.”
“I didn’t say anything.”
“You didn’t have to say anything. You just thought it but didn’t say it, so it didn’t make you seem like a trashy person. That’s society’s standards. We like movies, but we don’t think our kids should be actors. We love books, but we don’t think our kids should be writers. We love nice roads, but we want to cut back on taxes. Contradictions. We say we don’t follow the crowd but judge everything from the crowd’s standards. Because the very first thought that comes to your mind is, can you support yourself or another person with that type of career? When you told me you got a child, the first thought that came to my head was, can you financially handle that.”
“But that’s not really any of your business,” said Kay.
“Exactly. It’s no one’s business if I can’t afford to help someone or even myself. But if you can’t get a real job like everyone else, you’re squeezed out of society’s bubble until you make it or die. Your family can’t trust you, they stop talking to you, and friends are tired of hearing you talk about how the world is against you because they never felt it. Because they follow the guidelines that society sets. They put on blinders…ignoring the faults in the system because there is no solution other than to make a stand to change it yourself. Starting with you, until more people join you, and then society changes.”
“Right…”
“Hey. Did I just go over your head?”
“No, maybe a little. Sounds like your lecturing me. I feel like you attacking everything I’ve ever done, you know. Like I’m just another dick in the crowd pointing fingers at those trying to pave their own roads when there is a perfectly good one right in front of them.”
“The roads to success can’t be taken twice.”
“I’ve heard that before.”
“There’s a type of truth in it. Not everyone wants to go to McDonald for some chicken nuggets. Sometimes they want steak or a nice salad. You believe that having little Jean will make you happy like everyone else before you, even if the thought had never crossed your mind. Everyone else seems happy, so will I. But that’s not always the case. I’m sure you, Jean, and Cj are going to have a great time, but at the same time, you are going to have some rough days. For damn sake, you all might not ever be happy, and little Jean might show you the cracks in your relationship. Maybe even break it wide open, and you’ll tape it with comprises till you can’t handle it no more.”
“That will never happen. I won’t let that happen.”
“I know, and in that, itself brings truth to what I say.”
“Then what do you propose, all mighty sage? What do I do to fight against the flow of society? Become an AV star? Sell my body, go against the flow. Cheapen my value. I don’t think everything you say is true. I believe you can find success on the same road, and even if people don’t like McDonalds, everyone eats it because it is good. Jean will make me happy, and our family will be strong. I never once thought I would be happy if I got a child. That is such a perverted ideology, reducing the child to no more than a commercial product. I’m sorry about Gwen but don’t think for a second that Cj and I will end up like you. Alone. Maybe you shouldn’t force your perverted kinks on a good person like her. You know I just wanted to call and see how you are doing? From the sounds of it, I think you’re fine.”
“Kay…”
“No. I don’t want to hear it.”
“Gwen didn’t leave me because of my AV job. She’s a good girl. I did that stuff when I was in college.”
“Gross. I’m done talking to you later.”
“Sure. Talk to you on the other side.”
“What?”
Roy hung up the phone, leaving his hand to linger on the device just a little bit longer. He took a deep breath in as he stretched out his back. Then, he stood up and dusted off his white jumpsuit.
“All done. Mr. Benderson?” Asked the Guard standing by the door. There was gentle pain behind his voice.
“I guess so. When you told me I had a call waiting for me. I thought that maybe it would be from my mother or even Gwen,” said Roy walking over to the door.
“Sorry to disappoint you.”
“It’s alright. It’s all about the adventure, and I’m about to head onwards towards a new one.”
The Guard guided Roy down the cement hallways, where the sounds of tears and grunts bounced out of cell rooms. The dull colors painted a lonely picture, as the lights on the ceiling illuminated like the holy coming of Christ.
“Are you scared?” Asked the Guard.
“I was scared a month ago and a week before. My body shook, begging me to escape. Find freedom away from all of this. Like my skin was getting scared, wishing to rip itself from my bones and run for me. It made my nights sleepless, and my stomach retched everything I ate. Now…now I sleep better. A good mindset can change a lot.”
“You seem to have a good head Mr. Benderson. So why did you….”
“Kill a bunch of people. I don’t know. Don’t you know it just takes one bad day?”
“Joker right, from Batman?”
“There’s some truth in that.”
“I guess there’s a lot of truth in everything.”
“Not in peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. It’s just a sandwich.”
“I eat my toast with butter. Allergic to peanuts,” said the Guard.
“Rough.”
“Here you are, Mr. Benderson.”
Roy entered his cell and took a seat on his bed out of the light and into shadows. “When am I due?”
“Tomorrow Mr. Benderson,” the Guard said. “Your execution is tomorrow.”
“A new adventure tomorrow,” said Roy nodding his head. “A new adventure.”
